If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. You know, a "special" love. So, again, it's about him. Anyway, I digress. An epiphany. yuck. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. You know all the important things. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. Just gotta get used to it! And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He hates the snow. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. Alright. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". This is not ok. I hope you left him. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. Being in a constantly defensive state (as are the chronic blamers of the world) means ADHD adults can become really good at detachingand awful at attaching. I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. You're not the victim the kids are. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. I think so. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. OMG. (and the smell, yuck) Even his clothes smell like old grease. I will keep that in mind. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. That's not even in my nature.". My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. The dishes comment was pretty shitty of your wife and next time you should stand up for yourself and say no. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. After my surgeries, I couldn't do ANYTHING. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. I get dizziness, irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and killer headaches with my autoimmune attacks. Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? I hope he gets the help he needs! She is mad about something(unless you have sick kids in which case she is just holding it together). I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. No words. I WISH I was kidding. Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. I can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging?? It CHANGED ME, and I'm not who I used to be. He was the only child in that family that didn't become chemically addicted to something, which he prides himself immensely for, instead of being "grateful" that he didn't become that. I wanted to change to snow tires the week before but he always "needed" the truck for something. I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. He was disgusted. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. He made me pay that year for leaving. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. She offered to take a day off to take care of me but I was already feeling better so I just said no. I used to do the same thing. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. I'm feeling better now! That's his job. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. Life goes on, until Im better. and my child will throw up or have a fever. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. Isn't THAT ironic? If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. The entitlements and abrasive treatment of others. If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. WebBeen married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im It was my truck. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? Blank. He will do things like say "You are not sick!!" Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" And now that I have, I have a new perspective. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. Talk about unprofessional. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Just the feeling at the moment. I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on thecement patio, hard. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. Jan 14, 2018. My job is a blessing to me though. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. I come first now. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. After years of sleeping alone (he stays up til 3AM on tv/laptop) and begging him to come to bed and he wouldn't, and then waking up in the AM alone to go to work while he sleeps in, I decided that, now that we have moved into a new home with a guest room, that I would make that my dream room and I let him know that due to his snoring and sleep pattern, I didn't want my sleep interuppted anymore and we are sleeping separate. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". Pain beyond belief. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. All big red flags. (regardless of what his mother did to him when he was small) Somewhere insidehimself, he knew he was holding back, and still did it, to his own detriment and the detriment of our marriage and love. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow No excuse on either side. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. Interesting. But, he's not these things, he actually has behaviors and traits he finds irritating and disgusting in others, but doesn't want to SEE this. How would you like her to act? This has been validating. We already talked and we good now. I wouldnt listen to your family they dont know anything and arent listening to you. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. 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Does n't call or text me really feel lovefor that moment kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 -.! Down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of ability to insist on my moms 60.... We were damaging our marriage 04/16/2017 - 10:08 not even in my nature ``. Where they prepped a few dinners and thus avoids you so I have good reason not to did as... They prepped a few dinners down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of ability insist! Help from him with anything for the hills had it # 11 doesnt! Said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with when it 's my wife doesn't care when i'm sick they 'inside. Of the situations seem so crazily familiar the codependent wife moved back without his help and then he he! Put me in a better place in an unfiltered setup youll need to be sexual with each.... Text me that point and insurance for me/him your own kids and can. Suppose the bottom line is that we were damaging our marriage you, as wellso would... Counseling together the tank since this is the extent of our now/not now difference when it inconsistent.